The Love Polygon
by hyperactivecheskie
Summary: Ever read a fic and thought "Worst fanfic ever"? You were wrong. THIS is the worst fanfic ever. Served with OOC characters, sprinkled with weird plot twists. Includes everything except horrible grammar and spelling. Vol. I of the iCarly Bad!Fic Chronicles
1. Chapter 1

disclaimer: ....'sup Dan?

a/n: Just a fun project in between writing normal fics. According to my icarly fic guru, Mizufae, Queen of all Seddie, my bad!fic writing skills is way better than my normal fic writing and that I've found comedic gold. I can't help it! ...I'm just naturally silly! So here it is. The most out of character fan fiction you'll ever find with the silliest plot twists you can ever conceive-- I present you:

**The Love Polygon: iCarly Bad!Fic Vol. I**

Sam skipped as she headed out to school. _Skippidy doo daah, skippidy yay. My, oh, my what a wonderful day_, she sang in her head. She bent down to pick a daisy up from the flower bed that lined the gravel that led to the entrance of Ridgeway High. She looked from side to side, making sure no one was looking. As soon as it was safe, she took a deep breath and inhaled the lovely scent.

Sam was actually a very cheery person. Nobody ever had an inkling. That side of her only came out occasionally. Sometimes, she would show a bit of it to Carly. However, even her best friend never knew the full extent of how bright and sunny Sam actually was. To Carly, Spencer and Freddie, Sam was an angry child who needed to go to teen therapy sessions every weekend. True, she was going to teen therapy. But it wasn't for anger issues. It was something completely different.

They didn't know that she was only hiding. She wasn't hiding from herself, like some people with issues often were. She was hiding from the world. That teen therapist she was seeing? It wasn't for anger. She was helping her be true to herself... true to her heart. The problem was that, in her heart lay only one man. And that man's name was Freddie Benson. But how can she tell him that she loved him with a burning passion, a passion of a hundred gamajillion suns, when he was in love with someone else? To top it all off, he was in love with her best friend... Carly Shay. The perfect Carly. The one everybody loved.

Sigh. It was sad. Very sad indeed.

She stuffed the flower in her bag. She rolled her neck once. Now was the time to get in character. She closed her eyes and chanted: _Meanie, meanie, don't be nice to Gibby. Hungry, angry, give him a wedgie_. This was what she said to herself every day. She opened her eyes and started seeing the world as an angry girl should. She stomped up the steps and huffed and puffed. She looked to the left and gave a couple of 8th graders mean looks. Needless to say, they scurried away, frightened.

"Hey, Sam," a voice interrupted her huffity puffity walk. It was Freddie, her love. Her reason for living. The apple of her eye; the ice cream to her pie; the match that lit her fire; her one and only desire.

"What is it, dorkwad?" She asked. _Oh how I wish I could ruffle your sexy, ruffly, puffy hair._

He smirked at her and gave her a sexy look. He had been immune to her insults. Which scared her, it scared her to no end-- _this is scary_-- because she had a feeling he was starting to think her meanness was cute. Cute, yes, but not cute enough to ignore his love for the wonderful Carly.

"I was just asking if you've seen Carly lately," he asked. ...See what I mean?

Sam's face dropped for a millisecond but she quickly recovered. "How should I know doofus? ...Why do you need her, anyway?"

"I need to see if our answers for Super Advanced Placement Theoretical Physics with Applications in Chemestrical Biology assignment were the same. I spent all night answering them," He said. He arched his back, contracted his arms then slowly stretched them upward and yawned.

Sam stared at his biceps, then she eyed his chest which was almost visible under his thin, v-neck white shirt. Why did Freddie suddenly get hot over the summer? And what's that? Oh. Em. Gee. She could see he had grown three strands of chest hair. It was enough to drive her crazy, crazy I tell you! _I'm crazy for you, touch me once and you know it's true_, Sam sang in her head as her eyes started to glaze over from looking at the wonderful Adonis in front of her.

"Sam?" His baritone voice interrupted her daydream of them dancing and singing in the rain. "You just spaced out, are you ok?" He gave her a concerned look as he touched her elbow ever so lightly.

Sam shivered under his touch. Luckily, Gibby just walked in and the sight of him quickly made her recover.

"Nothing, I was just thinking what kind of wedgie I should give Gibby today," she said in one deep breath. Without bothering to look back at his cocoa eyes, she shoved past him and stomped over to Gibby. "Ei, Gibbeh! I'm hungreh! I need your moneh!!" she practically rapped.

Freddie smirked at as he watched Sam threaten a frightened Gibby. He readjusted the strap of his bag and walked away.

As Sam grabbed the waistband of Gibby's jeans, she leaned in close to him and whispered, "Is he gone?"

Gibby craned his head and saw Freddie's blue backpack bounce up and down as Freddie hopped up the staircase. "Yeah," he whispered back. As soon as he did, Sam let him go. Gibby stumbled and almost tripped, but Sam grabbed his hand just in time.

"Sam, we should really stop this charade," He said as he dusted himself off. He lifted his shirt up a tiny bit to inspect his belly. When everything seemed to be in place, he tucked his shirt back in and looked at his attacker.

Sam rested her weight on the side of her foot. "What do you mean?" She asked innocently.

"You know. This 'I'm a bad girl, I hate the world' charade. We've been doing since... since..."

"5th grade"

"Yes, 5th grade. You should show the world who you really are," he gently brushed her bangs out of her eyes. "It's a shame that you have to hide the beauty and warmth in your eyes with hatred and anger. You know, people are starting to think you're a sociopath who's endured child abuse."

Gibby was probably the only person, aside from her mother, maybe, who knew how Sam really was. They knew each other since they were kids. Their parents were business partners. Sam's mom owned her multi-billion brassiere and lingerie company while Gibby's parents ran a very successful talent agency that provided the models. That was mainly the reason why Gibby was so comfortable in his own skin-- he grew up around the best and learned from the best. Because of his closeness to Sam's family and the way he didn't care what other people thought of him-- Sam chose him to be her accomplice in the mission to hide who she really was.

"Gibby, I can't. I can never let my guard down! I can never let Freddie know how I really feel!" She wailed as she gripped his shoulders and shook him with every other word.

Gibby took a deep breath and nodded. "Fine. I'll keep on playing along... for you."

She smiled at him as she let him go. "Thank you, Gibby." Sam leaned in to kiss her friend on his chubby cheeks. Right as she was an inch away, she spotted someone approaching them. She swiftly slapped him instead. "Sorry," she whispered, "see ya later, buddy." Then she was off.

Gibby watched her walk away, staring at her soft, wavy gold locks. It swayed from side to side, following the shake of her hips as she took one step after another. _What does Freddie have that I don't? If you only knew Sam, how my cardiovascular system pumps blood through my body only for you. Every punch you take, every insult you make, every locker you break makes me adore you more and more._

Gasp! Yes people. You have gasped right. Gibby was in love with Sam.


	2. Chapter 2

Freddie jumped up the staircase, feeling light and happy. He adjusted his aviator shades which were sliding down his nose after he leaped up the last step. He spun around and moon walked over to Carly who was leaning against the doorframe of their classroom, the song "Macho Man" on instant replay in his head.

"You look mighty cheery Mr. Benson," Carly commented when he stopped in front of her.

Freddie raised his shades up and rested the lenses on top of his head, the frames acting like a headband. He winked at her playfully. He raised his left hand and did a wave, then ended it with his right doing a finger gun.

"Oh, I know what that means," Carly acknowledged with a smile. "I believe Assignment S-squared is doing well?"

Now it was Freddie's turn to give her a look. S square was something they had encountered in algebra. He knew that to get just S, he had to take the square root of S square. But to get the equivalent of S, he had to know what S-squared equalled to. He reviewed what she said in his head with his Audio-recordic Memory-- an audio version of photographic memory. When he couldn't find a secret numerical value in her last sentence, he shrugged. "I can't find the value of S if you don't give me the value of S-squared."

Carly smirked at him, "By assignment S-squared, Freddie, I meant the PLAN." She patted his shoulder softly, "You will never be a spy." When she was greeted with a still confused look, she lightly smacked him on the shoulder. "Plan Seduce Sam, Freddie! S-Squared!"

"Oh," Freddie started to blush and giggle. Although Carly had to hand it to him, it was a manly giggle.

"Aw... You're in wuuv," she cooed as she pinched his pinchable cheeks. As this happened, two girls who were known to have a crush on Freddie passed by. They grimaced in disgust. Carly wasn't sure if it was because they were jealous or turned off by Freddie's giggling.

"Yeah, well," Freddie finally spoke up, "she's a hard nut to crack. But I think I'm finally destroying her defenses. Mark my words Carly, I declare that Sam WILL fall for me!" He declared. "She may be playing hard to get now, she may not love me, adore me or even show that she so thinks I'm totally all hot like nobody's business. But she will soon. Today was a good sign. I saw her look at my muscular chest" he put both hands on his chest muscles to make the point.

"Wow, I never knew it was that bad. When did you figure out you were falling for her."

"I dunno," Freddie leaned on the other side of the door frame, a far off look present in his Hershey kisses eyes full of melanin and love. "She was walking away from me after a fight in the school's rose garden. I called her name and when she spun around, her sunny hair flew in the air and glistened under the sun. She smiled and I felt my anger go away." He put his hand above his heart. "Then a voice inside my head screamed out: _Ohmay GollyGosh! I'm in love!_ You should have been there Carly!" He pushed himself off of the door frame and started pacing. His eyes were still twinkling, like the star in twinkle twinkle little star. "It was like those cheesy toothpaste commercials-- where the girl smiles and the guy falls in love![1] _Hey there's a look in your eyes, must be love at first sight_," He started to sing much to Carly's horror. "_Why does it seem like a dream? So much more, so it seemed. I guess I found my inspiration, with just my smile you took my breath away_," He swayed and grabbed Carly's hand, leading her into a waltz. "_The CLOSER I get to touching you, the CLOSER I get to loving you. Give it TIME just a little MORE TIME!!_" He twirled Carly away from him as he slid across the floor, his hands raised up towards the heavens "_SO WE CAN GET CLOOSEERR!! YOU AND IIII!!!_"[2]

Carly coughed lightly, which she did when she was sick, but no, she wasn't sick. Freddie was embarrassing her. Dancing and singing in the halls for no reason at all was a cause for embarrassment. Carly didn't like being embarrassed. She pulled him back towards the door frame, and shooed people who were crowding thinking there was a free show (she thought she saw a couple people throw coins at Freddie). "Well I'm happy for you Romeo. But let's go in before you act too much like a foolish fool and I deny being your friend forever. Come on," she nudged her head towards the classroom, and they walked in and took their seats.

On the other side of the world, Chinese people were in their beds, sleeping. Maybe some Chinese teenagers were out clubbing, however most were sleeping. But then on the other side of the school, Sam was rushing to her class. She had spent too much time looking out the window and listening to the birds that she hadn't realized it was only a few more minutes until her first class. Ergo, she was now running and rushing. However, too much rushing is bad for your health, which Sam was about to find out.

In between the entrance of the girl's bathroom and the water fountain, Sam collided with another person and books started flying everywhere. And just like in the movies, when the lead bumps into another person in the middle of a deserted hall and they drop their books, it's a given that said person has to be cute. This story is no different.

Sam scrambled to gather the contents of her bag. When she reached for her super top secret poetry book, another hand reached for it as well. When their skin got skin on skin contact, Sam looked up and found the cutest, most adorablest guy she had ever seen. He had wonderful green eyes and beach blonde hair. He was so handsome, it hurt. It was like looking directly at the sun. No, scratch that, it was like looking at a Backstreet Boy.

They both slowly stood up, their eyes still connected. Sam fumbled with her bag, a crooked smile on her face.

"I.. I... uh..." Sam sputtered. _He must be new! An angel such as he can not have been raised and sired in this foul place I call home_

"I'm sorry. Hi, I'm Beau," he put out his hand for Sam to shake. "It is French... For handsome. Because that is where I am from. France. And that is what I am. Handsome," he said in such a way that might seem conceited. But it sounded humble because of the slight accent.

"...Hiiii... France... I like France," Sam sighed like a lovesick puppy. Beau scowls. "What's wrong?" she asked

"France.. My country of birth. But now it cease to exist. They have combined it with Germany, made it into a supercountry, to fight the recession. FranGermany[3] my derrière." He suddenly shook his fist in the air, "DAMN YOU GERMANS!!!"

Beau sighed in sadness. and looked at Sam again, "But I am glad I am here. Because I have met such a lovely lady like you," and with that he took her hand and kissed it.

Sam giggled. Then she realized she had to rush some more to class. She stopped giggling.

"I'm sorry," she said as she adjusted her backpack, her books safely inside. "I have to get to class," she continued as she started walking backwards, then she turned around, gaining more speed.

"Wait! I do not know your name!" called the young Backstreet Boy look alike.

Sam swivels her head to look at him a last time, "Sam! Call me Sam!"

"Sam," Beau repeated to himself. He smiled at her retreating form. "Nice meeting you, Samantha."

**[1] Close Up toothpaste commercials. They're known for the whole love at first sight/smile commercials. Sample: http:// www. youtube .com/ watch?v=McPm5NHpuOs**

**[2] This is a real song. "Closer You and I". Here's a very cheesy music video with this song that properly represents Freddie's cheesy daydream. http:// www. youtube. com/ watch?v=cw_lr8ZcmOs  
It's close-up produced music video.**

**[3] The FranGermany and the whole Beau thing, I originally wrote for the seddie forum game. The badfic! round robin. I loved it so much, I recycled it. And no, I'm not prejudiced against Germans. Or French people. My random head just liked the sound of "FranGermany".**


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